Did I Say That? Ooooh, that smell!

I’ve never dated a woman who had BO, and I’ve never been married to a woman who had BO, so I’ve probably missed out on something big. BO, according to groundbreaking research by the University of British Columbia, is healthy for a relationship and can reduce your stress level.              “Smelling a partner’s scent can help you deal with anxiety and tension,” the study said. (Of course, “scent” is nothing more than a politically correct term for “odor” and “stink.”) I read about this research in my favorite scientific journal, the New York Post, and any New Yorker will tell … Read more

Did I Say That? Break, yes; fast, not so much

In order to lower my cholesterol, my wife insisted that I eat oatmeal for breakfast. But I had an alternate plan. Plan B (minus), you might say. Just as the Quaker Oats began percolating on the stove, I snuck out of the house and drove to the bagel shop. Of course, bagels are as bad as cherry Danish and chocolate chip muffins when it comes to your cholesterol, not to mention your waistline. But I couldn’t resist treating myself to a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese. In my defense, I asked for “lite” cream cheese, which I calculate … Read more

Did I Say That? Pisani for president

Everyone is lining up to run for President of the United States, especially now that Oprah has pulled out of the ring even before she was in it. This development makes me think I have a chance. Heck, my qualifications are certainly as good as Kanye West’s. I was born on the same day as Thomas Jefferson, which must count for something. As one of the Founding Fathers, he penned the Declaration of Independence, which most Americans confuse with the Bill of Rights and the Gettysburg Address. Unfortunately, our fellow Americans don’t know the first thing about history or government … Read more

Did I Say That? Love and Nicholas Sparks

For Valentine’s Day, I got my wife a dozen red roses and the complete, unabridged collection of Nicholas Sparks’ movies, all 11 of them, along with a super-sized box of Kleenex. She got me Russell Stover chocolates from Big Y and a dust buster. Over the years, she’s forced me to watch everything from Nights in Rodanthe to Message in a Bottle because she thinks it will make me a better husband, although I have my doubts. The DVDs also serve a more practical purpose. They’re like melatonin. They help her get to sleep and stay asleep. We have dozens … Read more

Did I Say That? The end of polite society

One of my neighbors has been letting his dog poop in front of my mailbox, and I lie awake at night obsessing about it because I can’t catch him. Or her. All I know is it must be a very large dog. I can see his business from my second-floor bedroom window … without my binoculars. And since the mailman drove over it, we’re facing a toxic waste crisis, which terrifies me when I get the mail. Two rainstorms and one blizzard later, and it’s still there. You’d think something like that would deter unwanted visitors, but it seems to … Read more

Did I Say That? Contagious commuters

  Last week I had breakfast with two friends who work in Manhattan and all they did was complain about the commute. That was my life for a decade, and I don’t miss huddling with people on a crowded train platform at 6:15 in the morning like a flock of penguins stranded on an ice floe in the Antarctic. And I don’t miss announcements that the trains are late because of, take your pick, mechanical difficulties, leaves on the tracks, congestion or some crackpot running through the cars screaming, “The Rock for president!” My friends said they’ve been sneezing and … Read more

Did I Say That? My wife the meteorologist

I’m convinced my wife missed her true calling. Instead of companion, mother, caregiver, healthcare professional, she should have been a meteorologist. You know, a weather person in the tradition of Willard Scott. I’ll be in bed, reading a James Rollins thriller or watching a PBS documentary about killer asteroids, and Sandy will interrupt my concentration to tell me about the latest meteorological crisis: “Eversource says 1,200 people have lost power. It could get worse because the wind is expected to gust up to 50 miles per hour.” “Wow.” (I don’t really mean “WOW,” but I have to say something in … Read more

Did I Say That? The perfect cup of coffee

One of my fondest boyhood memories is lying in bed beneath the covers on a cold winter morning while my father got up to make a pot of Maxwell House. “Wake up and smell the coffee!” he’d yell. And we’d all groan. He’d put the pot on the gas stove, and as it started to percolate, the house would fill up with the robust aroma of coffee … until it bubbled over and my mother would scream from the bedroom, “THE COFFEE’S BOILING OVER! YOU’RE GONNA RUIN THAT STOVE!” I suppose it was a small price to pay for a … Read more

Did I Say That? The year-end brag

Summer Interns Oliver Klotz, Hannah Gluck, Isabel Connelly, Hannah Sather, and Anneliese Lomas helped organize Norfield Congregational Church's Vibes, Vinyl and Video Sale.

I went through the holidays in a funk. No amount of Christmas cheer could bring me out of it. No ho ho ho. No schnapps. No New Year’s merrymaking. I hope that what happened to me won’t happen to you … unless you’re one of the people responsible for my problem. At this time of year, our expectations often exceed reality when it comes to gifts and resolutions. For the past five years, I’ve asked Santa for a Schwinn Airdyne exercise bike, but it hasn’t been there on Christmas morning. Apparently, I’ve been naughty, not nice. Or my loving wife … Read more

Did I Say That? Resolving for small improvements

I’m always late with my New Year’s resolutions because I like to give them serious thought, which is difficult to do around the holidays when everyone is making merry or intoxicated or behaving irresponsibly before they have to kick their bad habits — or at least pretend to. This year I’m keeping them simple. I resolve that I will not let toast crumbs or poppy seeds from my bagel get into the tub of butter because it really upsets my family. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to try. Also, I resolve not to … Read more

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